A Capital Proposal

In the last week I saw a lot of students protesting Israeli occupation in the Gaza Strip, but I didn’t hear any real solutions. These kids think a war that has been going on, even before World War II, is going to end because they held a little rally. We need real, concrete solutions for real problems. Not banners and chanting, or whatever they were doing. I’m sure the prime minister of Israel really appreciates the chalk-written messages all over campus, but telling him to get out of Gaza does not persuade.

So I would like to propose a solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Casinos. A few months ago, when things were unraveling once again in this region (it only happens every few months), Palestinians were firing rockets into the desert sand. This blatant disregard for prime real estate signifies the true issue at hand. These people are fighting over land when they have no concept of capitalizing on the land they already own. Casinos will bring the two nations together—the Palestinians will have jobs, and the Israelis will have something to do on a Friday night. Plus, all the proceeds can go towards (re)education (camps)! Everyone wins—except the people playing poker, of course. But that’s the whole idea; it’s fun to blow your kid’s college fund (he was going to defect anyway).

The Americans, though, are just as guilty for not taking advantage of foreign markets. Instead of bombing Afghanistan, we could have built casinos there. Under the guise of disenchanted expatriates, American investors could have established a whole new Las Vegas in the middle of an even more desolate dessert. It worked the first time! As opposed to farming opium, the locals could have exciting careers as blackjack dealers and cocktail waitresses.

Casinos have always provided for the United States when our ingenuity has run out. And casinos are that one entity where even when it’s forbidden it’s allowed (the casino boats in St. Louis, for example—can’t be illegal if it’s not on land!). The non-western world could benefit from casinos economically, as well as socially and politically. They could put martyrs’ faces on poker chips. Furthermore, no actual product is necessary. And capital is the easy part. Once Americans buy the dessert real-estate, the Afghans or whoever will have plenty of money for their glorious casino (that vicariously we will own). At least now those big fluorescent pyramids won’t look so out of context.